


My life will be fine if you're in it

by Alex_and_Laff_and_John_and_Herc_and_Burr



Series: Coming home to you [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Cute, F/M, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Modern AU, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:11:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6552388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_and_Laff_and_John_and_Herc_and_Burr/pseuds/Alex_and_Laff_and_John_and_Herc_and_Burr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander Hamilton is ready to go into his new job as Secretary of the Treasury. But there are still a million things that have to be done before George Washington's inauguration. One of these things being, finding all the Secretary's for the Presidents cabinet. </p>
<p>Alex is a man prepared for anything. But he was never expecting John Laurens to walk back into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The start of a "normal" day...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [In the Place to Be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5781988) by [ABitNotGood (EggsyUnwin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggsyUnwin/pseuds/ABitNotGood). 



> Hello, hello, hello!  
> Welcome to this fanfic, it will be a slow build, but definitely worth it. As well as very cute.  
> I have never written fanfiction before, but I love some of the other writers on this sites work with Hamilton fics, so I thought it might be fun to try it out. I’ll try to post every week, if not more!  
> A few notes just to keep from confusing readers:  
> ~This takes place in current day  
> ~Alex is thirty years old (I know in reality he would actually be older if he was to work in the government, but hey, it’s a story)  
> ~I have a pretty good understanding of government, butpleae feel free to comment if I get something really wrong

Alex

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*  
Rays of sunlight spread across the fully made bed, so unused it was almost new. A figure arose from the desk across the room and hurried over to silence the high pitched scream of the alarm. Yet again, Alexander had fallen asleep at his desk, on top a mountain of papers.

  
The clock read 6:45. He had only an hour to get ready and catch his train to work. He clicked on the TV to some news channel and began to rush about his apartment, preparing for the day ahead.

  
His apartment was rather small. Originally he had lived with Hercules, a dear personal friend, but had moved in with Eliza a month ago. Now, Alexander was on his own in the run down apartment. He had briefly considered searching for a new roommate, only to come to the conclusion that he would never find anyone willing to put up with him.

  
It was always a mystery how Hercules was able to go through Alex’s constant rants over politics, the loud typing of his computer throughout the night, among other annoyances. Herc never complained about Alex. There was one time, however, it was at the start of their friendship, Herc had moved in no less than a week prior.

Alex usually worked late, once he came home at three am to a very distressed Hercules, sitting on the couch, looking a bit flustered. From then on, Alex had to text Herc whenever he worked past eleven.

It wasn’t that Hercules was a neurotic person, but rather he was worried about where they lived. It wasn’t the best of neighborhoods, a higher crime rate than average. Herc was a big guy, easily could take out ten men in one blow. Alex on the other hand, he was small and had a fragile build due to his lack of self-maintenance, always choosing to work instead of eat lunch… or breakfast...or dinner, as well as being awake until passing out from exhaustion. Because of these facts, if Alex wasn’t home by eleven (unless notified by text) Herc was worried that he would be dead in an alley somewhere.

  
Herc was gone now. He only lived ten minutes away, by train, and was constantly checking in on Alex to make sure he maintained some level of proper health. But there was no one to make sure Alex slept at least a little, or tell him to eat something before he faints, or even just to not walk a certain way to the train because there had been a sketchy looking guy on the sidewalk. Alex still saw Herc all the time, but he had missed having his best friend as his roommate.

  
************************

Alex was finally ready to head out to the station. He grabbed his bag and even convinced himself to stash a breakfast bar in his pocket. He grabbed his best winter coat, wrapped a scarf around his neck, and took his gloves.

Even after being in America for now eleven years, he could not adjust to these bitter winters, oh how he missed the warmth of the caribbean.

  
**“Breaking News from Washington DC the Ca-”**

  
“Oops,” Alex said clicking a button, “almost forgot to turn off the TV.”

  
He briefly considered turning back on the TV to see what had happened, but he was running late as it was. He was sure if it was really important he would find out soon enough.

  
With only ten minutes left to catch the train, he looked the door, and bolted several blocks to the station.


	2. The start of a very special day...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is just waking up to the home he missed so dearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be from John's perspective.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

John

 

7:20 am

John woke up smiling. He arose from a deep sleep, stretching out every muscle, joint and ligament in his body. A flight from London to DC can leave a person feeling quite stiff.

 

He shuffled his feet across the floor, making his way to open the curtains, exposing the beautiful view from the windows that stretched all the way from the ceiling to the floor. John looked out upon the gently falling snow, the white house in the distance.

 

“Ahh, I missed this place.”

 

Having been away in London for four years, studying and practicing law, he had felt home sick from the moment he landed on British soil.

 

But now he was back and hopefully here to stay. But if he didn’t hurry up and get ready, he would miss his interview. John didn’t have much time to unpack. He had just gotten off the plane fourteen hours ago.

 

After he arrived at the apartment he spent his remaining twelve hours preparing for his meeting and catching up on sleep. He wished he had taken the time to lay out a suit instead of now running about the apartment looking for an iron.

 

This was not his apartment, it was Lafayette's. Laff was back in Paris for a few days, taking care of some ambassador business. He told John that he could stay there for as long as he’d like.

 

“I practically live over at Adrienne's, so feel free to make yourself at home, mon ami.” He remembered Laff saying a week ago, when they were having breakfast at a bakery in France.

 

Laff had been the only person John was able to keep in touch with throughout the years. Mostly due to the fact Laff was constantly visiting for diplomatic reasons, and had always made the effort to visit John as much as possible. John kept in touch with Herc as much as he could, usually through text messaging and they talked on the phone at least twice a month. It was nice to know that his friends didn’t want to forget about him.

 

He had also managed to create and maintain a strong friendship with Angelica Schuyler, as she too went on many diplomatic trips to Europe, London imparticular.

 

There was one person John had fallen out of contact with. True he heard about him all the time from Laff, Herc and Angie, but never directly from the man himself. He had written John letters for the first six months he was gone, he was old fashioned like that, or perhaps just too cheap to get a better texting plan. But John was never able to return them quickly and thus the letters eventually stopped coming. At least this is the reason John convinced himself into believing. The real reason was, he couldn’t handle being so attached and distracted by the thought of someone so far away, knowing that he very well wouldn’t see this person for a long time. But John tried not to dwell on this part of the past.

 

He knew that Laff would get the gang all back together when he returned and John would have to face his feelings then. But at the moment he was solely focused on his interview.

 

Before he had gone away to study law, he had finished studying political science and public health, in America, at Columbia University. Not long after he graduated he took a job at the white house, as a secretary in the Health and Public relations department. He had made quite a name for himself and his future in american politics looked bright. But then came family complications, a secret family scandal, and John had made the choice to leave for London. That was then, This is now. He ran this through his head multiple times.

 

******

 

He had finally found the iron, he was now looking professional and almost angelically handsome. He looked down at his watch; 7:45.

 

“Ok John, an hour before your meeting with the next ruler of the free world. Just breathe and try not to do anything stupid.”

 

He said reassuring himself. He grabbed his briefcase and walked out the door. Ready to face the long, nerve-racking day he had ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record John and Alex are around 30.   
> Lafayette is dating Adrienne, she works at the French embassy in DC.


	3. Just another day at the office...with a whole lot of snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex arrives at his office. Still carrying on like it's any other day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laff, Aaron, and a whole new character enter.

Alex Alex had gotten to the capitol building at eight am sharp. He immediately proceeded to his current office in the right wing.

“Good Morning, Alexander.”

There was Aaron Burr unlocking the door to his office. Which just happens to be directly next to Alex’s. Alex holds high hopes this will change once he is officially the Secretary of the Treasury.

“Good morning, Aaron Burr, sir.”

“You look a bit pale Alex. Are you sure you’re feeling well?” Aaron was uncharacteristically and almost genuinely concerned. Alex may have been able to tell if Burr wasn’t so straight face all the time.

“I’m feeling absolutely dandy for your knowledge, Burr. As a matter of fact I feel even better than alright because I’ve realized that it’s only a matter of months before I move into an office far from away from you.” Alex said, almost laughing.

Burr rolled his eyes, “Only if you manage to stay alive long enough.”

Both men turned to head into their office. This had been their relationship, an odd kind of friendship with lots of jokes at the other expense. When they had first met, Alex couldn’t stand the man and Burr wasn't very fond of Alex either. But as time went on, they ended up growing accustomed to one another's strange ways. An odd sort of friendship growing as a result.

But in full honesty, Alex wasn’t feeling too great. Perhaps the December cold had been catching up with his health. He prayed that he wouldn't get sick. If he was sick it meant no working and right now too many things were happening to miss even a single day. Washington was getting ready to be the next president. There was so much to prepare, they had to fill the cabinet, organize documents, and most importantly, well at least to Alexander , the inaugural address had to be written. And Alex had the responsibility of creating it.

Alex was setting his bag down when his phone started to buzz.

**Ham’s Phone:**

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

Bonjour, mon petit Lion.

 

**A.Ham:**

Good Afternoon, Laff.

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

So tell me, did you see him yet? Did the interview go over well?!?!

 

**A.Ham:**

Laff, what are you talking about??? It’s 8:15. I just got into work.

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman** :

Ohhhhh righttt, timezones, pardon me, mon ami, I’m a bit excited

 

**A.Ham:**

About what exactly?

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

……... Sorry have to go, I hear a baguette calling out for me

 

That was odd. But Alex expected no less from Lafayette. Although he did wonder what the man could be so excited over that he’d forget something as simple as timezones. He would have to worry about that later. *knock, knock, knock* Alex turned around, to what was already an open door.

“Good morning Alex!”

In the door frame stood a young, charismatic girl, curly hair tied up into a proper looking ponytail, holding a briefcase and some files under her arm. This was Eleanor Washington, the president's daughter as well as only child.

At the ripe old age of fourteen, she was seen all over the capital, watching the politicians hard at work. Most of them dismissed the young girl, but Alex saw himself in her, he let her hang around his office while her father was busy. He enjoyed spending time telling her all about how government works, or what foreign policy was like these days, she always enjoyed listening. Aaron Burr would occasionally stop by while she was there, mostly to make sure Ellie maintained a slightly bipartisan view of government and not gain the full on liberal view that Alex had.

Alex never really had any siblings, but he had always seen Ellie as something as a little sister to him. Ellie didn't have any siblings of her own, most of the children at her school had very republican views from influence by their parents.

This put her at a disadvantage when it came to making friends, being the daughter of a democratic president, but she loved her father more than anything. He was all she had left after her mother passed away two years ago. There was an occasion where a kid at her school had started running his mouth about how he thought that

“Washington is the absolute worst person alive, how on earth could anyone want to fight for gay marriage and pro-choice, he's absolutely horrible. If he becomes president my family is moving to Canada. And his daughter, Eleanor, she's in my class she may be an idiot, but man is she hot.”

When the secret service got a call a fight had gone on in Ellie’s school, they were quite surprised to find out she was the one that punched a kid right in his teeth. Washington hadn't been angry, but rather disappointed in her choice to use physical violence.

“But Dad they were saying all these horrible things about you and they called me stupid but said it was justified by the way I looked. Not only were they rude but that's sexism.” She said.

"Then why didn't you tell them that? Words can be more powerful than violence…. Come with me there’s someone I want you to meet.”

That was the day Ellie had met Alexander Hamilton. It was also the day Alexander taught her how to destroy your enemies through black ink instead of black eyes. Now, six months later, she was still trying to learn everything she could from Alex.

 

“Good morning Ellie, shouldn't you be at school?”

“It's closed today because of snow.” She began to look through her briefcase. “ My father told me to come down and give you these files.”

“Thanks, any idea as to what they are?”

“It's the applicants for the Secretary of Health and human services. He wants you to look over them, before interviewing the last candidate today.”

“That's today?”

“Yep, at 8:45. Did you forget?”

“Of course I didn't forget!” He had completely forgotten, “I have that electronic schedule on my desktop that reminded me.” He almost never used it.

Ellie was rolling her eyes, “well then it's a good thing I came down here to not remind you because the Internet is down and your oh so trustworthy electronic schedule with it.” She may have picked up his sarcasm along with his writing skills.

“Really why? And it is to trustworthy!”

“Have you looked outside today. It's snowmageddon outside.”

Alex turned to look out the window, to see nothing but a flurry of white with specks of buildings in between. Better than rain. He thought to himself.

“I was wondering why the halls were so empty.” Alex said.

“Yeah, my dad will probably force you home after the meeting.”

“If they're even able to keep the trains open that long.” “Well let's hope for the best.”

 

*The American national anthem goes off* Ellie reaches into her bag for her phone.

“Hi dad! - yeah I'm in Al- I mean Secretary Hamilton’s office - Yeah sure- ok I'll tell him- I'll let him know- see you in ten minutes then.” She hung up. Quite possibly the only one in the world allowed to hang up on that man.

“What’d he say?”

“The candidate showed up early, so he wants to move the meeting to now. That way everyone can leave as quickly as possible. Apparently the snow, much like your work ethic, isn’t going to stop anytime soon.”

Alex smiled softly, “Wait, I haven't even read through these yet.” He was worried Washington would be mad, or worse, … disappointed.

“I wouldn't worry about it. He seems like he's already made up his mind.”

“Who?”

“Oddly enough, I think it's this next guy.”

“How can you tell?”

“Well, these are the only copies of the resumes there are and he trusted me to carry them all the way down here.”

“Hmm very interesting observation. But we’ll just have to wait and see. Anything else he said?”

“Oh, right he wanted me to tell Burr that he should notify all the staff to go home as soon as possible. And to thank them all for coming in today.”

“You go do that, then meet me back here so we can head to see your father.”

“Gottcha” she scurried out of the room.

Alex began to collect his things. His phone buzzed again.

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

...Anything interesting happen lately?

 

**A.Ham:**

Go away Laff

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

You wound me, mon petit Lion.

 

**A.Ham:**

Shouldn't you be doing ambassador work?

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

This is more important

 

**A.Ham:**

Then how about telling me what it is

 

**Favorite Fightin’ Frenchman:**

Look at that, I found some French stuff to do

 

**A.Ham:**

Good Bye, Laff

 

Alex rolled his eyes , Laff was lucky he was too charming to punch. Well that, and the fact Laff had almost a full foot, height advantage, on Alex. But Alex would like to think it's mostly the first reason. He looked at the clock, 8:13. Already it had felt like such a long day. He hoped the meeting wouldn't be too dull. Little did he know just how not dull it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Elanor Washington was a real person. Although she wasn't the biological daughter of Washington, she was his step daughter whom Washington cared deeply for. I didn't really use anything other than her relation to Washington and her name, her personality is completely made up by me. She'll come up throughout the fic and be a close friend to Alex. I hope you all like her!
> 
> The next chapter will finally be the meeting between Alex and John, so keep reading!
> 
> Please comment, it would make me ecstatic to hear your feedback.


	4. In which John tries not to make a fool of himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets interviewed by Washington.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I don't talk too much about Henry Lauren's in this, but he is a semi-important character in this fic. I also added a brief first person account from Alex. 
> 
> Very small trigger warning for past child abuse. 
> 
> I enjoyed writing this so much, please enjoy!

John

8:15

John was lead into the room by none other than Mr.Hercules Mulligan. When the two saw each other, nothing was said. Herc saw the nerves coursing through his body just by looking at him, he realized John probably wasn’t up for a reunion right this moment. He was right, the only thing on John’s mind was the interview. Instead of talking, Herc slapped a steady hand down on the others shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. 

They walked into the room. It wasn’t too big, nothing fancy, it was furnished with a mahogany desk with a matching chair behind it and two smaller ones on the opposing side. There were quite a few books scattered around the room, along with some files and paperwork. There was no overhead lights, the room was illuminated by natural light coming in from the eight foot window, accompanied by a small emerald green lamp that cast a warm glow around the space. The place wasn’t cold, like the rest of the building, it was kept toasty by the space heater in the corner. The feeling the room had was overall inviting, almost friendly.

“Mr.President elect, Mr.John Laurens is here.” Herc said in a very official tone.

There stood the man himself, the next leader of the free world. Standing at six foot two, looking out the window, in a sharp black suit with a navy blue tie. Needless to say, John was feeling a bit intimidated. He turned around to face them.

“Ah, thank you Mr. Mulligan.” He walked over, extending his right hand to John. “Mr. Laurens, it’s wonderful to meet you.” They shook hands, “I’m very glad you were able to make it so early, my staff has just informed me that we will all need to vacate the building by nine due to the weather, so it’s a good thing we’ll be able to have this meeting.” Washington spoke as regally as he looked.

“Yes, well I wanted to make sure I’d be on time.” He spoke carefully, this was the real thing he was facing now.

“Hopefully the snow wasn’t too much trouble.” This was odd to John, was Washington trying to make small talk with him? “How were you able to get here?”

“Well, I’m staying at a friends, he lives not to far from here, about fifteen minutes away. Thankfully the cabs are still running today.” He was thrown off a little, he was not expecting to engage in friendly conversation, he was expecting a full examination and judging of his character.

“Indeed, I’ll see to it that you have a car take you home, I’m afraid the taxis will be closing soon. Do you have the time, son?”

“8:20, sir.”

He looked towards the door and John noticed the smallest of sighs. “Well, I was hoping that someone would be joining us by now, it’s always good to get a second opinion. But seeing as our time is limited, let’s begin. Perhaps he’ll be in a bit later.” Washington walked over to his spot behind the desk and motioned for John to take a chair across from him.

“Now Mr. Laurens, why don’t we get started with where you grew up.”

John was really not expecting that. He was ready for anything with the amount of preparation he had, but he was convinced this would be a strictly political meeting. He took a deep breath in and realigned himself in the chair.

John began, “I was born in South Carolina. Lived there until I came up to New York, to attend Columbia college. My mother was a stay at home mom, she took care of my four siblings and myself. My father, when I was a child, was only a government lawyer. He raised me doing everything in his power to be one too.”

“Right, you grew up in the south. But if I may say, your political opinions don’t align much with the ones of your home state. How do you think your views were formed, if not from the ones around you?”

“Well, I can’t find one exact way to explain it. I’ve always been one to question things. I never accepted just one answer, I always had to know why and figure things out for myself. As I got older I continued to form my own answers and opinions rather than listening to the ones around me. Such as my state's current senators, including my father.” He gave a small laugh.

“I can respect a man who chooses to think for himself. Now, your father, Senator Laurens. How would you say he affected your life?”

John felt his blood run cold. He took a moment to think about his response. He was not about to rant on is father, to what he hoped to be his future employer.

“My father and I have what you would call a troubled relationship.” He spoke slowly, but calmly, “While I did become a lawyer because of him, I became one for civil rights, not exactly what he wanted from me. We had a falling out a few years back and we are no longer in contact, I only hear about him in the news as well as from my siblings letters.”

“Stop me if I’m prying, son, but what happened between you and your father? You can decline to answer this.”

“It’s ok. I’m not ashamed of the main reason. Over the years, there were many things my father and I disagreed on, but he usually looked the other way and thought I’d grow out of it. A few years back when I told him I was gay, he did not accept it, he kicked me out and told me if I was ever to come back he’d disown me. My mother was able to talk him down, but after she… passed, he went back to his old ways. I will not hide who I am, I’m a proud gay man whether he likes it or not.” John had not meant to speak that much, “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to ramble."

“That’s quite alright, stories like that can be hard to tell, but it tells a lot about you, I’m glad you were able to tell me. I would like to point out that your sexuak orientation has no impact on my judging of your character, it only shows that you can stand for yourself.” He spoke very professional like.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Now, you will very rarely ever have to work with your father if you are given the position, but seeing as you would work close together, there would be no problems, would there?”

“No, sir. If there’s one thing I know about my father, he takes his work seriously. I wouldn’t put it above him to make snide comments, if he were to see me, but nothing to sabotage his, or my, work. I would just keep things professional.”

“Very, good.” Now, let’s get off this topic, why don’t we.” He gave a small laugh, to ease off the tension, one that John managed to return. “How did you get started with civil-” He was cut off by the loud knock at the door.

“Come in.” Washington said.

“Sorry to bother you, sir, but your daughter and Secretary Hamilton are here to see you.”

”Yes, please send them in.”

If John wasn’t on the verge of breaking down already. He was at least hoping to see Alexander again at a bar, with the rest of the gang, with at least two beers in him. He wasn’t ready to face him now, not when there were so many things that were unresolved between the two of them.

_Breathe, John. Just Breathe._ He repeated in his head.

“Good morning Mr.President elect.” Alexander said.

There he was five’ four’, hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. He looked almost exactly as John left him four years ago, except with a few more wrinkles, probably gained from lack of sleep. He wore a dark navy blue suit with a deep emerald green tie. John realized he’d given it to Alexander almost ten years ago, as a present for wining their first debate as partners, back when they were still on their college debate team. John would’ve thought it very endearing he still had it, but he also thought Alex was just too cheep to throw it away.

“I apologize for the delay,” the girl next to Alex spoke,”Burr had to leave early because his daughter as fallen I’ll and his wife is away in London for the week. So, we had to go to Jefferson and ask him to deliver the news to everyone and you know how he can be.”

“It’s alright you two. Alexander, I’d like you to meet-”

“John.” Alex looked at John with piercing brown eyes. John couldn’t tell if the poor man had hurt or just confusion held within them. Either way, it made his heart shatter.

 

*** Alex, through his own eyes***

There he is, Mr.John Laurens, perfect as the day I met him. His soft, luxurious curls, held captive being strangled, by a simple hair tie. How desperately I want to lunge at him, release his curls from their place and run my fingers though each angelic strand on his blessedly beautiful head. At the same time, devouring his plump, rosy, warm lips- OK STOP RIGHT THERE ALEXANDER. Now is not the time.

Don’t forget, John is the embodiment of an Angel… you are not. He is far too astonishing a vessel for your scrappy demeanor. He made that perfectly clear when he didn’t come back.

I can only hope that he can still bare my company and accept me as a mere friend.

 

*** John & Alex POV***

“Alexander,” John swallowed hard, desperately keeping his composure,”It’s good to see you again.”John hated every memory of his father, but just this once, he was thankful for the lessons he picked up on keeping a fake but calm face. You needed it, growing up with Henry Laurens, it was either learn to be a fake, submissive, shell of yourself, or get beat.

“Yes, very.” He replied, “Very good it is to see you, that is.” He quickly corrected.

Washington’s gaze turned back to John. _I’d never thought I would live to see the day when Alexander Hamilton is left speechless,_ the man thought to himself.

“Alexander, you never told me you knew Mr. Laurens.”Washington said, obviously trying to move the meeting along.

“Oh,” he snapped out of his thoughts,”Yes, well,” He cleared his throat,”we were friends in college and friends since then.” He choked on the word friends, hopefully no one noticed, but he really wasn’t sure if they were right now.

“Well, Mr.Laurens, I have to be honest. We could do on for another twenty minutes, but the weather is only getting worse and unfortunately I can’t get an unbiased second opinion.” Alex blushed, “I think it would just be best to give you my decision now.” He spoke with a perfect poker face.

“I agree, sir. I sent you my resume a while ago, I think it’s best to let my work represent me.” John knew he wasn’t getting the job, although he would manage to leave here with his head held high.

Alex spoke up,“Sir, if I may interject-”

“No you may not Alex.” Washington spoke with the same tone you’d use to tell a three year old that they couldn’t have another cookie. He looked towards John again, “The position is yours. Welcome to the cabinet, Mr. Secretary. I look forward to working with you. I’m sure Alexander shares my feelings.”

They looked over to see Alexander taking out his wallet and handing a $10 bill over to Ellie. Both men decided not to question it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment, it'd make me smile.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> I'm thinking of creating a diary for Alex that would coincide with this fic, what do y'all think?


	5. Where do I go from here... no, really where?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex needs to get home...that may not be what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy...

John's heart feels as if it's on the brink of imploding. 

He has the job. Washington really just said that. 

A good job too, no, an amazing job. A stressful one, one where he'd get to see Alex, Angie and Laff everyday, one where he'd have to see Alex everyday. At the moment, John may not know if that's going to be a problem or not. He'll find out soon enough, he has to. 

"Well, I think we should all head out. I wouldn't be surprised if the heating were to cut out within the hour. I'll have cars sent for you. Washington said, moving to the door. "Come now, Ellie. Have a good night gentle men, stay warm." 

Ellie sprang off from the royal blue couch she had been sitting on and walked over to the two men. "Bye Alex," she and gave him a quick hug around his waist. "Goodbye , Mr. Laurens. It was very nice to meet you." She presented to him her priceless smile and a firm, yet friendly, handshake. 

Once, she was out the door, things grew quiet. The men were so silent that an ant whispering would be louder. After a minute of suffocating silence, Alex finally dared to open his mouth.

"Soooo.....you're back..."He turned to stare out the window, he couldn't even bare to look at John, it's too painful. 

"Yeah, I'm surprised, I thought Laff would've told you." John's voice was nothing less of pathetic.

"You could've told me," he spoke barely above a whisper.

John felt his heart drop all the way down to the floor, maybe even lower. In that moment, he realized just how deeply he hurt this man, whom he cared so intensely for. He took a step towards the window and reached out to rest a hand on the other shoulder.

"Listen, Alexander-"

John was cut off by the sound of the door opening. Both men turned around to face the sound. In steeped a secret service agent, not Hercules. 

"Mr.Hamilton," he spoke in a stoic tone, "I regret to inform you, but there is no way to safely get you home tonight. All of the bridges have been shut down as of fifteen minutes ago. The president elect has offered to pay for a hotel room for the night." 

"Shit." Alex placed a hand on his head, rubbing his temples as if he had a headache. "Thank you for informing me, please tell him thank you but that won't be necessary. I have the key to a friends apartment. It's not even a mile away."

"I'll go tell him right now, sir. A car will be waiting, down at the front entrance, to take you there. Enjoy your day," and he made his way out the door. 

"Oh wait-" Alex cried after him."DO you know where Mulligan is? He lives close to me, he may need a place to stay too."

"I believe he's taken the night shift tonight. There's no need for worry, sir." 

"Oh, ok then. Thank you."

"No problem, sir." Then the agent was out the door. The only two remaining, John and Alex. 

"Um, Alex. I'm sorrta staying at Laff's too." John's voice was shaky.

"Oh." 

"Please, feel free to stay there, it's just- I- um.. I'll be there." The panic in his tone was evident.

"Well, alright. I guess that gives us time to talk." Alex refused to give him any sense of what he was feeling.

"Yeah, talk." he gulped. 

This was going to be a long night, especially since it was only nine in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, I promise that the next one will be longer. It should be here by the end of the week.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Feel welcome to comment, it would make me smile. 
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome, but do keep in ind this is my first fic so nothing too harsh please. 
> 
> Have a wonderful day!


	6. Falling for you, well, into you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had a scheduled, and then I got sick.   
> But here's the next chapter.

John and Alex walked down the steps of the capital building, heading towards their designated town car. Even though it was barely even 9 AM, it was dark enough to be night. Dark clouds spanned across the sky, inches of snow shot down to the ground like bullets. It was hard to see ten feet in front of you.

John’s head was a mess. He had just gotten his dream job, but now he has to own up to one of his biggest regrets. Walking just behind Alexander, who was shivering from the second they stepped out the door, that man never did like the cold. He says it’s because he grew up in Nevis, a place where it didn’t go below 60. John’s always thought there was more to the story than Alex let on. Although, he did have to admit that Alexander was downright adorable bundled up in multiple coats.

Alex didn’t know if he was about to break down in panic or in exhaustion. Seeing John, unannounced like this, it triggered something within the depths of his mind, or maybe it was his heart. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, confusion, resurfacing desire and lust from years ago. Years. Four years since seeing each other. Two years, the last time they had communicated. When John had gone dark after the two year mark, after two months without anyone hearing from him, Alexander had started to assume the worst. He remembered almost crying tears of joy when Laff had told him that John had finally called him back and told him he was ok. But, John never did say why he dropped off the face of the earth for four months. He only said that it was safe and that he was starting a new job in London, not sure when he’d be back in the states.

And know they’re here.

Every unresolved feeling, every unanswered question, surging through Alex’s head. For two years he’d pushed this aside, focused on work, on the election, but now, he couldn’t ignore his feelings any longer. They were right behind him, literally a foot away, in the form of John Laurens.

“ALEX WATCH OUT”

Before he knew it, Alex was falling backwards to the ground. His arms flung out to his sides and every fiber in his body stiffened as he braced for impact. He was inches to the ground, falling fast, when-

Alex never felt the pain of bruising concrete.

Instead, he felt warm arms under his arms, wrapping around his chest.

John had caught him. He looked up to meet John’s eyes.

Alex willed himself to think of anything other than the mesmerizing green of those beautiful, bountiful eyes. Eyes, that were currently staring back at Alex’s blue ones, panic racing through them.

“Thanks.” He says in a hushed tone, begging his rising blush to cease.

John giggled out, “Watch your step, Alexander.”

Alex cursed him for being so cute when he laughs, no not laughs, _giggles_. John’s going to need to stop that if Alex is going to be mad at him. But Alex is mad at him. Even though he’s currently looking up into the luscious green eyes of the man he’s suppose to be furious at. John's arms feel warm against Alex’s chest, even if the two are locked between many layers of fabric.

“Um, John.”

“Yes?”

“Can you let me go.”

“No.” John said. His mind was clearly somewhere else. But his voice was hidden by the howling of the storm.

“What? I didn’t hear that.”

“Oh, sorry. Here-”

Alex saw John’s mouth drop just a little as he helped him to stand properly. They walked to the car, both men being just a little more cautious. They settled in to the town car, it was a bit small for comfort. Alex and John were shoulder to shoulder, each could feel the heat radiating off the other. It would have been nice, enjoyable even, if it weren’t for the dreadful feeling that hung in between them.

“You let your hair grow out.” John notes.

“And it only took you four years to notice.” Alex says, his words, deflated.

“You’re still as witty as four years ago.”

“Yeah, four years.”

“Let me explain, I didn’t-” John was stopped by Alex raising a hand.

“Not now John, not here.”

John settled back in his seat. The rest of the ride was spent in silence. The only sound was the soft hum of the radio. It was only November, but holiday songs were already playing. Baby It’s Cold Outside was currently playing.

 _How appropriate._ Alex thought, funny, even his thoughts were sarcastic.

In a matter of minutes they’d be in Laf’s apartment, where they’d have to stare the past in the face and decide their future from there. Their future. Or maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was suppose to be longer, but it was all I could manage to get through with my cold.   
> The next chapter, we get to find out what happend four years ago.   
> The update will come depending on when I get better. Hopefully, by the weekend or within it.


	7. Four years ago (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four years ago,  
> John and Alex were in a bit of a different state.

“Guys it’s not a big deal.” John stated, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

They were all sitting in a booth at their favorite restaurant. Herc, Alex, Laff, the gang was all there. Except for the Schuyler sisters, who were currently visiting their family uptown. But John already broke the news to them yesterday. He imagined it as practice for telling the people currently in his presence. The three men that all wore looks of confusion, John noticing that Alexander had one bordering more on pain then lack of understanding. He’d have to ask him about that later.

  
“Not seeing you for two years is most definitely a big deal.” Herc said, audibly upset.

  
“I agree, mon ami. We will miss you.” Laff chimed in.

  
“But you’ll visit, right? Like around the holidays and shit.” Alex was quiet, he stared down, into his half drunken scotch.

  
“That’s the hope. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it. Living in London’s going to be expensive enough as it is.” John rose a hand to the back of his neck. Rubbing it as he tried to release some of the tension that was growing there.

 

"But isn't your father paying for most of your expenses?" Herc interjected.

 

"Yes, but only food and housing. There's still a lot in between."

   
“I don’t get it, why do you let your father control you like this. Look, John, you’re twenty four, shouldn’t you be able to kick this guy to the curve by now.” Herc wasn’t trying to sound rude, the anger that his voice carried was directed towards Henry Laurens, not John.

  
“Yes and no. He’s threatened to disown me many times, but this time I think he’s serious. If it was just my well being on the table, I’d turn him down. But it’s not just me you guys. I can’t risk losing contact with my mother and my little siblings.”

  
“Mon ami,” Laf sounded tired, ”I still don’t understand the situation, could you go over it again, this time in more detail.”  
  
“Ok, so it started two months ago, when I went down to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. Alex came with me.” John looked over to the man next to him.  
Alex elaborated, “I go with John every year since freshman year. Mostly out of pity-”

  
“Mostly because you have nowhere else to go and you help to keep me sane while in the company of my father. Not out of pity.”

  
“Partially out of pity.”

  
John rolled his eyes and continued, “Anyway, Alex and I were kissing in the main forie when my father came home early and caught us. He … was less than pleased.” Alex inched closer to John, wrapping his arm around his.

  
“I’d never heard someone scream so loud before.” Alexs spoke quietly.

  
“At first he just started yelling about how I was disgracing his household, then the family name, then god. After a while he started getting quiet, he said that I could stay for the remainder of my visit, Alex too, but before I left he’d make a decision what to do with me. The trip came to a close and he kept his promise. He said that there was a firm over in London, someone he owes money to. My father talked to them and they worked out a deal. If I go over there and work for two years, the guy will call it even with my father.”

  
“You're going to let your father do this? He should Brûle en enfer for the things you’ve told me he’s done to you.” Lafayette was outraged.

  
“I’ve told you it’s either this or disownment.” He could feel Alex’s grip tighten, ”Besides, it’s not a bad job and I do get some money for the work. There is a silver lining here guys.”

  
“Still,” Herc interjected, “It’s not fair that you have to cover your dad's ass.”

  
“Wait, mon ami, I get that you want to stay in contact with your mother and siblings, but why would your father threaten to disown you? Are you not er- too old for that?” Laff questioned. He wasn’t trying to sound interrogative, but he felt John was leaving something out.

  
John felt a lump grow in his throat. “Can we- could we just enjoy tonight. I don’t wanna think about this anymore. I hate to say it, but it’s a done deal.... I leave in three days. No turning back now.” It came out a little more aggressive than he intended. Too late now. John lifted his beer to his lips, he wasn’t the type to drink a lot, but the situation called for it.

  
The friends sat in silence for a few moments, all avoiding each other's gaze. Until Lafayette finally thought of something to say.

  
“Hey, didn’t you mention that your Soeur is transferring to a school in London.” Laff’s voice was shaky and awkward. He was trying to make up for his previous remark by changing the subject.

  
“Yeah, she is. She’s enrolling in some exchange student program. It’ll be good to be close her and I get to keep track of her.” John’s smile was returning. He really was looking forward to being with his little sis.

  
“Hah, I’m sure she’s thrilled about that.” Alex scoffed. He’d let go of John’s arm but now now that arm was wrapping around Alex’s waist, pulling him closer to John’s side. God was John going to miss this.

  
The rest of the night was filled with booze, laughs, and embarrassing stories about John that his friends just had to rehash before he left.

  
****

  
“Well, I’m heading out. Laff you want to split a cab.” Herc got a slurred drunken response from the man, probably in french, which Herc didn’t understand. “Ok, you’re coming home with me. No way am I leaving you alone tonight.” He put the french-man in the backseat of the taxi and turned to Alex and John.  
“Alex, I’ll see you when I see you.”

  
“Don’t expect me back at the apartment for three days.” he quipped.

  
“Right,” he smirked and rolled his eyes, “John, I’ll see for lunch the day before you leave.”

  
“Of course!”

  
“Good, I just can’t believe you’re going.” Herc reached out and pulled the man into a tight embrace. Deep down, Mulligan was just a big soft teddy bear, at least that’s what Eliza always said. Herc let John go and shifted into the back of the cab. The remaining two men just stood on the sidewalk, watching the car grow smaller and smaller as it drove off into the distance.

  
Alex sighed, “We’re going to have to have 'that talk' tonight aren’t we.”

  
“I don't think we can let it off another two months, Alexander.”

  
“It’s not going to be a fight, right?”

  
“No... at least, it doesn’t have to be.” The lump in John’s throat was growing again.

  
“Ok, let’s head back then.”

  
“Let’s”

  
Alex could tell John was fighting back tears. The again, so was he. Maybe it was the alcohol. Could that also be the reason Alex felt he was going to vomit?

_Yeah, must be the scotch_ , he decided.


	8. Four years ago (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a while.
> 
> This was longer than I expected...
> 
> Enjoy!

The walk back to John’s apartment wasn’t too long, yet it felt like hours. Neither man could bother to fake a polite conversation. They just walked hand in hand, letting the silence sink in like a knife.

They were going to lose each other, at least that’s what Alexander thought. John would get too busy, he wouldn’t have time to deal with Alex’s constant rants and workplace drama. John was leaving and he’d have to deal with that, there was no other option. 

They reached the door to the apartment in less than ten minutes. It was small, but bigger than Alex and Herc’s. It had a blue colour theme, the living room was a sky blue, there was a modern style kitchen off to the right, a big white couch in the over in the corner by the windows, and of course a TV with a movies piling all around adjacent to the couch, and there was a light grey rug that was spread throughout the room. 

As Alex looked about the room he noticed all the memories it held. The blue paint that the whole gang had put on when John moved in, just over a  year ago. The kitchen where Alex had cooked countless meals for John. The rug that he’d been spread out on, bare backed and John on top of him. The couch they cuddled on and even went a little further sometimes, that was where John had first told Alex that he loved him.

Alex remembered it so vividly, it was in march, four months after they’d started dating, in the middle of horrific thunderstorm, he was nestled deeply into John’s chest, layers upon layers of blankets surrounding them and  _ Who framed Roger Rabbit?,  _ one of John’s favorite movies, played in the background. As John whispered sweet nothings into his ear, he wove an “I love you” into his words. Even with the raging storm putting him on edge all night, that was one of the best memories of Alex’s life. John was the best thing that had ever happened to him and now he was leaving. 

“Here, let me get your coat.” John moved to hang them up. 

“I love you.” Alex was on the verge of tears, “I know I sound like an utter sap, but please know I love you.” 

John stood back in front of Alexander, “I love you too, baby girl. Please know that I’m not going away to leave you, it’s only for my siblings and my mother. I’d stay if I could.” He cupped his hands over both of Alex’s cheeks, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe away his tears. 

“John, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’ve been best friends since we freshman in college, I’ve loved you since sophomore year, even when I was with Eliza I couldn’t stop thinking about you. We only started dating almost a year ago when our friends finally forced us to confront one another about our feelings. How am I supposed to live without you?” 

John laughed very softly.

“What’s funny about this?” Alex was an emotional wreck and John thought this was a  _ joke? _

“When you were with Eliza.” John laughed a little louder.

Alex sighed, “Oh, come on. I’ve told you this a hundred times. We were in a relationship, we were.”

John was still smiling at him, “She was there to make sure you didn’t die of starvation or exhaustion.” 

Alex punched his arm, playfully, “Yes, but I took care of her too and are you saying you  _ don't  _ do these things?”

“Ha, of course I do. But when I picture you and her together, I just don’t see it.”

“You were there, it was senior year! But, it only lasted a few months, then I introduced her to Herc and we all know how that happened.” 

“You realize when they get married, you’re going to have to stop referring to her as your ‘wife’, right?” 

“What, really?”

“Hey, I was cool with it, thought it was funny, endearing even. Herc, on the other hand might not want you calling  _ his  _ wife, yours.” 

“Doesn’t matter, he can deal.” Alex crossed his arms over his chest and John just laughed. 

They stood there in a moment of comfortable silence.

“You have to go.” Alex said

“I can’t go. I can’t leave this, I can’t leave you.”

Alex looked him straight in the eyes, “You need to go, for your family. Your  _ real  _ family. You need to stay in contact with them.”

“But, Laf and Herc were right, if I do this he wins!” It was John who was crying now.

“If you don’t, then you loose.” 

“I can’t let him boss me around because of who I love.” 

“I know, but think about it, if you go, you get to stay in touch with your family, you get to watch over your sister, you get to work and train at one of the best law firms in London, and you get to be in London! You have to admit, that sounds kinda great.”

“But you won’t be there, Alexander!” Another moment of silence, they just stared at each other.

Alex spoke, “No, I’ll be here...wating.”

“Alex no-”

“But John.”

“No, I’m not going to make you wait two years for me.” 

“I waited since the day I met you, to call you mine. I’m not giving that up!” Alex was speaking very loudly now.

Things were starting to get heated. So John did the only thing he could think of, he pulled Alex into a tight embrace. He felt the poor man start to cry and shudder beneath his grasp. 

“Shhh, baby girl, I’ve got you.” John moved his hands up and down Alex’s back and stroked his hair. “Why don’t we go over to the couch?” He felt a nod, so he lead them over and sat down, pulling Alex into his lap. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” he spoke through his sobbing.

“Why not?”

“Because, John, this is only going to make it hurt more when you leave.”

“I know. But, you’re worth the heartache.”

“Tell me there’s some way to fix this. Tell me that we don’t have to break up. Tell me that you’ll wait for me.”

“I- I want to, but what if- god Alex, what if I cheat on you, or what if you cheat on me?” Alex pushed him away.

“How could you even say something like that?!?” Alex felt broken.

“I just think that… I mean I don’t think I’d do it, and I don’t believe you would either. But, two years, that’s a really long time. It’s not just about sex, it’s a long time to be without a person. If, god forbid, one of us did cheat, we’d probably hate each other so much, we would never speak again and the thought of that is too much.”

“So that’s it… this- this is the, the, you know.” he couldn’t bare to even say the word.

“It could not be. The end, that is.”  _ Don’t do this to him, John.  _ He thought.

Alex just stared at him with large tear stained eyes, glowing red. 

John elaborated, “What if, we took a break?”

“I hate breaks.” John thought he could hear a laugh in Alex’s voice.

“I know. Trust me I know. But, this way if one of us meets someone, it won’t be cheating and when I come back if you still want to, we can be together again. What do you say?”

ALex was quiet, for one of the only times in his life, he was thinking through every little detail. He wasn’t going to screw this up. 

Alex shifted, still in John’s lap, “I’m not thrilled about it, but if it means we still have a chance, then let’s do it.” John kissed him tenderly on the lips. “But, John, I don’t think I’m going to meet anybody else, much less fall in love with them.”

John smiled, “Me neither, baby girl, but… I don’t know.” 

“We’ll be ok. I love you.”

“I Love you too, now why don’t I make us some tea and let’s watch a silly movie.”

“That sounds perfect.” They shared one more kiss, wept away each other's tears, and John got up to go to the kitchen. 

The following three days went by all too quickly. John went out to Brunch with Laf, lunch with Herc. The next day the schuyler sister’s take him out to to their favorite cafe, they gave John a new bag, one to do put all his ‘lawyering stuff’ in as they say. John’s last day, is devoted entirely to ALexander. 

They go to Alex’s favorite pancake house for breakfast, then they take a long walk through the entire city. They stopped by a park to go ice skating and grab some churros with hot chocolate. At the end of the day, Alex makes John a phenomenal dinner and they pack up the rest of John’s things. 

“Hey,” John calls from the living room, “Alex, come here I got you something.” 

Alex walks into the room “I swear JOhn Laurens if you got me some kind of sex thi-”

“No,” Jon laughs, “God Alex, no it’s not like that. Here’s open it.”

“John you shouldn’t have gotten me anything, I didn’t even think to get you something.”

John just laughs again, “Babe, I wasn’t expecting you to.”

“I know. Which is why I did.” Alex moved to pull out a pristinely wrapped present from under the bed. 

“I thought you said you didn’t think of it.”

“ _ I  _ didn’t. At least I didn’t think of it. Eliza sortta did and she kind of helped me to make it. I told her I’d give her some credit. But, here. I hope it’s not too cheesy.” Alex handed John his gift, and John handed his to Alex. 

“Open yours first.” Alex said.

“Eliza wrapped this didn’t she?” John jested.

“Wha! No…. Peggy did.”

John rolled his eyes and began taking the gift apart very carefully. Gasping when it was finally open.

“Alex…” John looked down at what was a handmade photo album. As he flipped through the pages of pictures of the two of the from all the way back to their first meeting. There were also loads of pictures featuring Herc, Lafayette, and all three of the schuyler sisters. Heck, even Burr was in there. “Gosh, now my present seems pretty mediocre.” 

“That’s ridiculous, nothing you could do would be anything less than spectacular.” Alex opened up the box in a much less graceful way then John. Alex gasped when he saw it too, it was a beautiful emerald green scarf, it was as soft as an angel's wing. “John I love it.”

“I made it myself. Well, full disclosure, Eliza helped… a lot.”

“We really should get her something”

“Yeah, I wonder if she could help us with that?” They broke into a fit of laughter.

John took the scarf from Alex’s hands and began to wrap it around him, “I know how that you get sore throats all the time in the winter and you’re always freezing, so I thought this would help. It’s special yarn, imported from the caribbean and what luck, I got it online from a store in New York. Both of your home's tied in one.”

“You’re missing one.” John looked confused. Alex went on, “You.”

John smiled at him, “I made it, think of it like this, it’ll keep you warm and safe from the cold, so remember that whenever you wear it that’s me keeping you warm and safe, even when I’m thousands of miles away.” 

Alex tackled John to the bed and started kissing him all over, “John Laurens that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, ever! I love you so so so so much!” 

“I love you too.” 

They didn’t move from the bed the rest of the night. 

Alex walked John all the way to security. They pulled each other into one last desperate, yet passionate kiss, holding one another impossibly tight. And then John left to board his 787 on flight to London. Alex watched from the widows, as the plane took off.

_ Two years.  _ Alex thought.  _ Two years. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm currently working on this fic and another one. I'm also thinking of doing a prequel as well as a squeal to this fic and I may even have another John/Alex fic in my head. It's gonna be a long summer guys.
> 
> Oh, and I got around to getting a tumblr, I'm, rain-and-roses-in-the-city, if you ever want to chat!
> 
> Please comment and leave kuddos, it makes this so much more special! 
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading.


	9. Talking in broken sentences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in a while. This fic is constantly changing in my head.

_ Four years,  _ Alex thought.  _ Four years.  _

They were in the elevator, going up to Laf’s apartment. The agonizingly slow elevator. Or at least it felt slow, in actuality it had been less than twenty minutes since they left the capitol building. But the tension between the two made it seem like hours. The elevator came to a halt and the doors open. They shuffled out, John leading the way to Laf’s door. He held it open for Alex, hering a mumbled ‘thanks.’

John shrugged off his jacket, noticing Alex, doing the same, “Here, I can hang that up, for you.”

He turned around, “I don’t need your help, John.” He snapped. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I just…”

“No, it, I - thanks, I didn’t mean to snap like that.” He gave his jacket to John. But he didn’t move to hang it up, he just stared at Alexander, wondering how he didn’t notice before. 

Alex cocked an eyebrow, “John, you ok?”

“The scarf.”

It took a moment to realize, his cheeks reddened, “Oh... yeah. Well, it’s a nice scarf.”

John hung up the coats, while Alex went over to sit on the couch. John followed, opting to stand, leaning on the chair next to the couch, giving Alex a bit of distance.

“Do you want to talk? ”

“Why did you cut me out?” Alex wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. 

“I didn’t mean to.”

“Like hell you didn’t mean to. John we were talking, almost everyday for two years and then you drop off the face of the earth. Six months later, after we were all in a panic whether you’re alive or not might I add, you resurface. Only you didn’t call me, you called Hercules. With no explanation for why you were gone because apparently we didn’t deserve to know.” he stood up and started pacing about, rage surging through him, “On top of that, for the next year and a half, you ignored me, you didn’t answer any of my calls, or letters. You answered Herc’s calls, you saw Laf when he visited, hell you even met up with Angelica. But you didn’t feel like I was important enough for your response.Did you even think about how that made me feel? Did you ever think that maybe it hurt me when you struck me from your life?” He stopped pacing. He stood still, breathing roughly, 

“What did I do to make you hate me? I thought you loved me.”

John just stood there, looking at him. Listening to every word. He deserved this, to be yelled at, to be demonized. Did Alex really think he could ever hate him? He knew he hurt Alex, badley, but he didn’t think it would be like this.  

He spoke with caution, lacing his voice with care, “I don’t hate you, I never could. I would never try to. I loved you… I still do. I love you, Alexander.”

Alex shifted to the side, he couldn’t stand to face John, “Then why?”

He took in a staggered breath, he knew the next few words could very well decide his future with Alex. He closed his eyes and spoke in a whisper, “My mother died two years ago.”

Alex’s anger faded away, replaced with confusion. He spoke in broken sentences, “John, I - you didn’t tell...what?”

John looked back up t Alex, “That’s not why, I- it’s not an excuse, but that’s why I was gone for six months. I was taking care of my siblings for four of them, after my father kicked me out, I spent the next two months wallowing in self pity. I finally listened to one of Laf’s voicemails during that time, So, feeling guilty, I called Herc, to let you guys know I was ok.” He was struggling to keep it together, he sat down to keep the shaking down.

Alex just looked at him with hollowed eyes. He moved towards him, “John, I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how much you loved her. I’m not upset you didn’t tell me about her passing. I know first hand how grief can fuck you up extraordinarily. But, why did you cut out you friends, why did you go back to London?”

“I didn’t want to, not at first.” John looked up to see if Alex would respond. He was met with a confusion. He continued, “While I was in South Carolina I only focused on the kids. Taking them to school, making their meals, taking care of them when they woke up at night, screaming. Hell, I even took them to a grief counselor. I didn’t have much time in between to think about myself. That was on probably on purpose, though.”

“Makes sense, but what about the next two months? We could’ve helped you, John.”

“I know. But, I was so embarrassed, when my dad kicked me out. I didn’t want to face you guys.”

“Why did your father kick you out?”

“After only four months of my mother's passing, he started seeing other women. When I found out that he’d been seeing other women while my mother was still alive, I broke. I was yelling at him, he grabbed the fireplace poker,” a dark laugh came through and he moved a hand up to the back of  his neck. Alex noticed the scar before his hand covered it up. John’s voice got low, “I left the next morning. I’m never allowed back.”

Alex moved towards John, he put a hand on his back. He might be furious at him, but he can’t resist the urge to comfort John. 

“I went back to London because of the job. They offered me a fully paying one after all of my father's debts were settled. I also went back cause my sister was still finishing up on her last year of college. I was planning on finding a way back to America, after she graduated, I even wanted to get back in touch with everyone...even you.”

“So, why didn’t you?” 

“I made a few mistakes.”

“John,” frustration was bubbling within him, “Please, talk to me. Why did you- ”

“I cheated on you… a lot.”

Alex took his hand off John, “We said, four years ago, that we were taking a break. That way it wouldn’t be cheating.”

John looked up at him, “Don’t pretend like it doesn’t feel like cheating.”

Alex backed up a little, “Do you want to be with him?”

“Alex-”

“No, John. Do you want to be with him?”

“No, it was a meaningless.”

“Wait, what do you mean by a lot. How many people did you sleep with?”

“Do you really want to know? Did you not just say it wasn’t cheating-”

“Five. Ok, five. They were all over a year ago and none of them meant anything to me. Don’t tell me you didn’t see anyone over the years.” he regretted it the moment it was said.

“That’s...ok that’s fair to ask. No one over the first two years. Of course, no one when you were gone those six months, since ya know, I thought you’d died. I had a thing with this girl about a year ago. But Eliza told me to stop because she said I was just using the girl. Then Laf tried to set me up with some people for a while. None of them worked, they were all to boring and thought I was too much. So one. One person.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be discussing this.”

Alex had anger rising in him, again, “Why because it makes you look bad?”

“Because it’s in the past and it’s only going to make this worse.” 

“So what do we do? If we can’t talk about the past the what’s the future.”

“I still want to be with you... If that’s still an option.” The words fell out of his mouth. He’d forgotten that there was the very big chance that Alex didn’t want him anymore. 

Alex felt it,  as his chest crumbled inward and it became harder to breathe. But he managed to choke out, “You left, you made me feel like you hated me. I questioned if you ever loved me. For six months I questioned if you were dead. I use to believe that you would never hurt me. I thought giving you my heart, my love, my very soul, was a good idea. That you’d keep it safe. But you, abandoned me. All because you  _ thought _ you cheated on me? I don’t hate you. I tried for a year and a half to hate you, it’s impossible. But I don’t trust you. I don’t know who you are anymore. I feel in love with the John Laurens who would never run away from his problems. The man who promised me he’d never leave me alone, who’d never hurt me.” He was quiet for a minute, taking a moment to let it sink in.

Alex went on, “He’s gone. He died a year and a half ago. So, No, John. We’re not an option.”

John broke. He felt like...he didn’t. He just felt numb. He’d give anything to make this right, but he couldn’t. There was no coming back from this. 

“Alexander, please.” he wasn’t even sure if he said the words out loud, until Alex responded.

“I think...I’m going to go lie down.” Alex, never did that. But things have changed and he was exhausted. For the first time ever, he didn’t want to think anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's ok, well not really.
> 
> We're nearing the end folks. Whatever will become of them?
> 
> I'm @ rain-and-roses-in-the-city if you want to come yell at me!
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	10. The heck just happend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have some time to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....hi! So, I'm back! I am so sorry it took me this long, thank you to anyone who's still reading this, I know it's very old by now. The truth is, this is my first fic ever and I really didn't plan it out well so I needed a lot of time away from it. But, I WILL finish this and the next chapter will defiantly not take as long, I swear. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Alex was in the second guest bedroom. He was fully stretched out on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He’d been there for half an hour. 

What the hell just happened? 

Did he seriously just throw John out of his life like that. This isn’t what he wanted, he shouldn’t have done that. He didn’t regret what he did but he knew that’s not how it was suppose to go. Yes, he was mad at John. Yes, he still had feelings for him and might slightly still want to be with him. And who could forget, they  _ needed  _ to work this out before their first cabinet meeting. 

If Washington found out about any of this….Alex  doesn’t know how he’ll react, but it won’t be pretty. They worked together now, John was going to be in cabinet meetings, there was zero chance of avoiding him. Of course, he’d still have to be approved by congress, but that was a no-brainer, he would be, probably already has been. They needed to work this out, if not for the sake of themselves, then for the sake of their jobs...and Washington’s sanity.

Still, he left Alex, kicked him out and wouldn’t let him back in. How can he just forgive him for something like that? 

He can forgive him for the six months he was gone, he was grieving, mourning the loss of his mother. Alex may not have liked how John cut him- cut everyone out, for those months, but he could understand. It’s not like he probably would’ve done the same if he had friends when his mother passed. But the year and a half after that. After he called Herc instead of him. Everytime he went to see Lafayette, when Laf visited London, and never responding to his letters. When he went out to lunch with Angelica but didn’t respond to a single text message. It wrecked him. He blamed himself, he spent so much time trying to find out what happened. After going six months turned into a year, he considered buying a plane ticket and heading out himself, he didn’t because of the campaign. 

The last year went by in a blur. Just a mess of politics and speech writing. He had so much work to do and he put Washington’s campaign before everything. He stopped thinking about John, threw himself into his work. Then he met that girl, after that there was the atrocious blind dates Laf had found. And now...now this.

_ “ _ _ I feel in love with the John Laurens who would never run away from his problems”  _ He remembered.

Alex knew this was true, John did run away from him.

There was something he wasn’t telling him. One last piece to the puzzle. He was hiding Alex from the truth, well a part of it at least. Until John was ready to face his problems and come to him with the truth, Alex would just have to settle with being civil to him. If he was ever to start a relationship, again… or even just a friendship with him, John would have to come to Alex. No matter how much Alex wanted him, he’d have to wait. 

***

John was sitting on the couch. He wasn’t quite sure what just happened. He knew he was a jerk. Not contacting his friends for half a year, that was a dick move. He hadn’t even considered what they might think. And Alex, silence after two years of calling everyday. 

It had been rough, but those first two years, at least he had Alex. They’d call and text, write letters, sometimes they’d even send each other little care packages. Whenever either of them had a bad day, they would immediately call the other and talk endlessly until they felt better. They’d talk about their lives, they dreamed up a future together, one that may now, never exist. Where did it all go?

_ Oh...right. I fucked up.  _ He really did, he destroyed them. He’s the only one to blame. He had to do something, there has to be a way to fix this, or at least help this. He wasn’t about to lose Alexander. Well, no more than he already has.

He had to think. What exactly did he do that upset ALex so deeply? Ok, so the whole six months that he thought John was dead, that’s first. He knew ALex would forgive him for that, but he still deserved an actual apology.

Next up, the...other men...yeah, that was stupid. Out of everything he did, that was by far the most idiotic. Every single guy John slept with, all five of them, they were to forget about life, but each time he could only think of Alex. How upset he’d be, how hurt, how disapointed. He couldn’t face Alex after that. After  _ all _ that had happened. That’s why he reached out to Herc and everyone else.

But, he’d already told Alex all of this and look where it got him.

What was he missing? How can he fix this if he’s already told Alex everything that happened and ….oh. 

“I didn’t tell him why.” John thought out loud. 

That’s what was missing, John told the truth but it was just an empty shell of one. Maybe that’s how he should fix things by telling Alex exactly what happened  _ and  _ why. 

He slowly rose from the couch. He looked down the hall to the room where Alex was currently in. John took slow steps, leveling out his breathing. When he got to the closed door, he knocked. 

Unsurprisingly, there was no reply. 

“Alex, I- I just… There’s some parts I don’t tell you. Well, I told you everything but not..everything. Ok, let me start over.. I want to tell you-”

“Just tell me why, John.” Alex said through the closed door.

John felt a glimmer of hope, Alex was going to listen to him. “Exactly! Uh I mean,” he cleared his throat. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. So, here it goes…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, you won't have to wait long for the next chapter, the next chapter will be up within a week and I actually mean it this time!
> 
> Have a lovely day!!!


	11. In Alex's hands

John took in a deep breath, “I did it because I felt like I didn’t deserve you. It’s stupid isn’t it? Petty? I don’t know. But that’s why I did it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Everyday it would be a struggle to not think of you. I tried not to because it made me sad. I tried to not overthink us. I tried to only think about happy things. Us kissing, saying I love you, your laugh, your smile, everything good. But, I couldn’t help it After awhile I started questioning everything.”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me about it?” Alex asked. They were still talking through the door.

“I thought it would push up further apart. If I told you I was unhappy, I thought you’d suggest that we just end it.” John felt it humorous, now. His own stupidity was what ultimately ended them.  

“I wouldn’t have- I could never- would never.” John’s heart sank when he realized what Alex correcting himself entitled.

“I know that now. I should’ve back then too. But back then, I always just felt so guilty that you were back here, waiting for me. When my mother passed away, I started thinking about all that ‘life is too short’ kinda stuff. I thought that it was messed up that we were waiting for each other so I thought the best thing would be to break up.”

“Then- why didn’t you?” Alex’s voice was barely above a whisper.”If you did that then...then at least I would’ve had something.”

John felt like he couldn’t breathe his chest was getting so tight, “I- I wanted to but once I cheated on you-”

“Why did you do that?”

“I, um,” he hesitated, but then remembered that he couldn’t hold anything back right now, “I wanted to feel something besides pain. And I think it was just one last way to prove that I wasn’t good enough for you.”

He heard the choked sob on the other end of the door, “But you already were.”

“I- I just- Alexander, I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life hurting you, making you think this was your fault, ignoring you, everything. I thought that maybe if I left you could just forget about me and this would all be over...but I was wrong because even if you did move on, I forgot that I never will. You are the love of my life, we could be separated for four more years and nothing would change that. I don’t think there will ever be a way for you to forgive me for all that I put you through. But if there’s any possibility that you’ll take me back, then I will spend every single day making the past year and a half up to you. I’ll be the person that you deserve. I swear by it.”

There was silence. 

“But even if you never see me again, outside of work that is, know that I love you. That you deserve the second best person in the entire world, second only because you’re the first. I-I love you.”

John didn’t know what else to say. There wasn’t anything more to say. He knew Alex. He knew that Alex wouldn’t give him a second chance because he would see it as another chance to hurt him again. And as much as John begged for a second chance, he knew he didn’t deserve one. He would never ever really deserve someone like Al-

“Ok.”

John rose his head from his knees. He must’ve heard wrong. “What?”

Alex’s voice came through the door again, a little louder this time, “Ok. We- let’s try this-” He took a stabilizing breath, “I’ll take you back. But we have to talk, a lot. And like really talk, about everything.”

“I promise we can do that. Whatever you need, oh Alexander, I’m so happy. Can you-uh- do you want to come out from behind the door?”

“Oh, right.” The door slowly opened and Alex stepped out. He met John’s eyes, there were tears in them. There were tears in Alex’s too. 

Alex tried to laugh through the sob in his throat, “Well are you going to stand there or are you going to come here and kiss me?”   
John didn’t have to think  twice. He stepped over to his ex-boy- current boyfriend, and scooped him int his arms.

They kissed, it wasn't desperate, it wasn't sad. It was soft, a little needy, but it was John kissing Alexander. Neither man could ask for anything more.                   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I don't understand the words "writing schedule." I hope you enjoyed it though!!! Have a lovely day!!!


End file.
